June...your ass is mine.

After failing at May's goal, I decided to throw my lofty June goal out there for the world to see.

I'm not ashamed I failed at May's goal...because shit, at least I tried.  At least I made an effort.  Sometimes fat girl tendencies life gets in the way.  I'm standing back up though and I'm going to meet the goal this month.    The goal is the same as last months.  If I meet it this time...mama is going shoppin!

I want to run jog walk 100 miles by July 4th.

While I am not running, I'm walking fast enough for things to jiggle.  Hopefully jiggle less in a month.

"It won't feel like it at the time, but sometimes a kick in the teeth is the best thing in the world for you." Walt Disney

I've been absent from MLFC.  I've been taking a good hard look at my life.  There are people in my life who are poison.  Who I love more than I can even begin to say.

These people, some blood and some not make me feel worthless.  I let these people convince me that I am less than.  I let these people break my heart.  Pizza, cheetos, lots of booze, crap by the shovel ful.

I have ALWAYS believed everything everyone tells me.  I am naive, trusting.  Why would anyone purposefully try and hurt me?  Maybe they are telling me a truth I cannot see?  Maybe they just really have my best interests at heart? Maybe I really can't do it.  Maybe it's just supposed to be me and the babies and we never get a perfect little blended family.  Maybe I will never lose this weight.  Maybe I'm just not strong enough.

Cue my sassy little daughter.  This kid is freaking awesome.  She regularly says, I don't need a daddy because my mommy can do anything your daddy can do.  She is beautiful and so very smart.  She says exactly what she thinks, how she thinks it, no matter how it makes you feel.  If you aren't doing right she will tell you.  What I love about her the most is she refuses, absolutely refuses to take anyone's crap.  She doesn't back down and she doesn't quit.

"Mommy, how come you tell me to never give up something I want and you keep giving up your diet?  You give up on yourself."

A truth that cuts me to the bone.  Something so simple and I don't think a truer statement has been made.

I cried for a long time in the shower.  Everything crashes down this time of year for me.  Twins birthday, anniversary of the hubs death, his birthday, fathers day, what would have been mine and the ex's anniversary...I cried for the life I could have had if he lived and for what will happen to my kids if I don't.  Mainly I cried because I let my daughter down.  She has had more than her share of disappointment in her short life.  I cried because I am embarrassed.

What I think is even more important that my daughter knowing to never give up on herself, my daughter knowing that when you get knocked down and you don't think that you have it in you to stand up one last time...that is when you most have to get up.  It's the size of fight in the dog.

I could always find my way when you were here...

Today is the 5 year anniversary of my husbands death.

I have cried all day long.  The Oprah ugly cry.  The kind of crap I'm alone and sad and all I want is him cry.  My kid's don't know what today is.  They were way to little remember the date.  I think it's better that way.

I wish I could curl up in my ex's lap and cry until it was better.  I wish I could tell you how I feel...I wish I had the patience to write it out.  I'm just kind of all over the place today.  I wish I didn't feel so all by myself in it.  His mom forgot.  Who forgets the anniversary of their son's death...

I just...wish for better days.

Some days I feel like shit, Some days I want to quit and just be normal for a bit...

Warning:  This will be whiny in the beginning.  Hopefully I can turn it around.

My husband died May 13, 2008.

He believed he had pulled a muscle in his leg, he wanted to go to the ER and get a brace, if he was lucky a painkiller or 2 and come home.  I told him I would bring the babies(two 4 year olds and a 2 year old) after I fed them.  I prayed that they didn't catch leprosy or anything at the ER.

Very long story short, he was dead 5 hours later.  I sat in a chair in the family room feeling like every nerve ending on my body was exposed.  And I could not say a word.  I begged those doctors for his life, I begged God too.  I didn't get my miracle.  Neither did my kids.  I vividly remember the nurses eyes watching me.  Them tearing up when I turned to them frantic to save my husband.  Them yelling at me to breathe.  Losing him, I lost my most basic human instinct.

Two doctors who I did not know held my hands.  Walking me to the room so I could be with him when he technically died.  CPR stopped, along with my whole entire world.

The following days are a blur.  Maybe one day I will be in a place to write about them.  Even nearly 5 years later, this is a wound that I carry everyday.  Never quite healing.  Being ripped at whenever I see someone who looked like him.  Whenever my kids ask what he looked like because they don't remember him.  Whenever one of the kids accomplish something and I wish I had someone to be as proud as I am.  Whenever I am lonely.  Whenever I just need help.

Today is a day I wish I could call him up and hear his voice.  Today is also the day I got back on board with my eating.  He would be kicking my ass today for slipping.  He would have been my biggest cheerleader.  I am doing this for him this time.  So that I can watch our daughter walk down the aisle, and I can watch our sons become men in his honor.

"When I look to the sky, something tells me your here with me and you make everything alright when you are here"

May...get ready to have your ass handed to you.

I laid in bed last night thinking about how I have quit this diet situation everytime a chicken nugget has been brought in a 100 foot radius of where I am standing.  Every.  Single.  Time.

So I decided that like any good lazy american I need something that will give me ridiculous step by step instructions on how to live my life for the month of May.

So tomorrow I post the plan.  Today I get ready to crawl all over May like it owes me money.  30 days.  To change everything I've known for 30 years.

I'm still fat.

Honest.  But still fat.

It started with my birthday.  Hey have some cake its your birthday...Hey have your favorite candy its you birthday...then it was oh...your going to see you ex because your hometown is tiny and everyone knows everyones business...what will calm you nerves?  Booze.  And flaming hot cheetos.  

So yeah, here I am 3 weeks later.  And I'm still fat.

Nothing to be proud of.  Stinking of bad decisions and little debbies.  Time to get it together.  The good news?  Most of my pants still fit.

And I realized something with the seeing of the ex.  It truly is better to be alone and fabulous and free.  Most of the things my ex is not.  I'm starting to enjoy not being anyone's obligation.  And not having any adult obligations of my own.  It's the time I need to get to where I want/need to be.

Diabetes is still knocking on my door.  The same awful disease that took my husband from me so suddenly.  I cannot allow my children to become orphans to diabetes.  Yet still this thought does not cross my mind as the zebra cake crosses my lips.  Only after, and then its usually just a follow up to the oh crap I hope my skinny jeans still fit.  That's right.  I am all about the priorities.

So here I am starting over again.  I'd like to kick my own ass.  Seriously.  This time for these faces.

Nose diving off the wagon...or how to avoid the truth big girl style.

So falling off the wagon would not be an accurate description of the last week of my life.  More like fell out of the chicken nugget tree and hit every branch on the way down.

It started with the WHOLE house getting sick.

And that mama's boy right there, must be held when sick.  Or he starts sounding like a broken smoke detector.  I will do anything to make the noises that come out of his cry hole stop.

Then hearing from the ex.  Hearing the ex facetime me and tell me he misses me then joke about me finding someone else.  Then hearing a friend of mine tell me that I have zero self worth.  ZERO.  He was/is right.  It's something I am slowly finding in the maze of total crap that has been left in my path. I like that I am finding out that I wont just take crap and be happy be are at least talking to me.  I like that my bullshit tolerance is becoming alarmingly low.

Been avoiding MLFC because...well who wants to be like Hey I just 2 dinners because I'm lonely.  So, this (kid free(HOLLA)) weekend is about getting Big Crickets but back in gear.  Because 30 is a month away aannnndddd, I'm so hoping 30 is kinder and gentler than 29 was.  Or that I'm just way more prepared to kick 30's ass.