My husband died May 13, 2008.
He believed he had pulled a muscle in his leg, he wanted to go to the ER and get a brace, if he was lucky a painkiller or 2 and come home. I told him I would bring the babies(two 4 year olds and a 2 year old) after I fed them. I prayed that they didn't catch leprosy or anything at the ER.
Very long story short, he was dead 5 hours later. I sat in a chair in the family room feeling like every nerve ending on my body was exposed. And I could not say a word. I begged those doctors for his life, I begged God too. I didn't get my miracle. Neither did my kids. I vividly remember the nurses eyes watching me. Them tearing up when I turned to them frantic to save my husband. Them yelling at me to breathe. Losing him, I lost my most basic human instinct.
Two doctors who I did not know held my hands. Walking me to the room so I could be with him when he technically died. CPR stopped, along with my whole entire world.
The following days are a blur. Maybe one day I will be in a place to write about them. Even nearly 5 years later, this is a wound that I carry everyday. Never quite healing. Being ripped at whenever I see someone who looked like him. Whenever my kids ask what he looked like because they don't remember him. Whenever one of the kids accomplish something and I wish I had someone to be as proud as I am. Whenever I am lonely. Whenever I just need help.
Today is a day I wish I could call him up and hear his voice. Today is also the day I got back on board with my eating. He would be kicking my ass today for slipping. He would have been my biggest cheerleader. I am doing this for him this time. So that I can watch our daughter walk down the aisle, and I can watch our sons become men in his honor.
"When I look to the sky, something tells me your here with me and you make everything alright when you are here"
Even in this heart wrenching post I see your strength shining though. I am sure he is proud of you today. Praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteDid he have a DVT? So so sorry for your loss :(
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